Beauty Tips from a Cowboy
I nearly had a conversion experience while shaving today. I had inspiration for looking into becoming a Muslim or Hindu or one of those religions that have members wear veils. My inspiration came when looking at my rugged face in the well-lighted bathroom mirror. As a result of that revelatory experience, I have concluded that I would be much better looking behind a veil.
Upon further research into world religions, I found that it is the womenfolk who wear veils, not the fellas. I’m not ready for a sex change operation, although I live in a convenient location because I have heard tell that such surgeries are available in Trinidad, Colorado, just a few hours away from where I reside.
Miss Sugar, my beauty queen/model wife, is the person who first helped me realize the advantage of hiding my face. Several years ago, she made the suggestion that I grow my mustache to go around my mouth so as to hide some wrinkles that had developed as I matured. The point she was subtly making seems to be that the more of my face that is hidden, the better I look. So I accommodated her since she is the person who has to look at me the most.
When I told her about the gender-changing drawbacks to me qualifying to wear a veil, she pointed out the obvious.
“You don’t need a veil. Just wear a bandana around your face like outlaw bandits do. That would go better with your hat anyway,” she wisely explained.
“What about my eyes, squinting like the Marlboro Man from years of riding the range? I don’t want surgery like Bruce Jenner and Joan Rivers had.”
Again she offered a simple solution. “Wear sunglasses, Silly!”
So here’s the look Miss Sugar recommends for me when she takes me out in public.
The only trouble is, they won’t let me in the bank. I look quite handsome on the sidewalk though. I can tell from all the stares.