Shootin' the Breeze

and random targets

Archive for the month “April, 2018”

Beyond Reproach

Many of us have enjoyed the cute videos shared on the internet of dogs confronted when they have done something naughty.  Usually the owner recording it will say something like, “Fluffy, what did you do?”  And Fluffy will look so remorseful that it is funny.  Fluffy will hang his head under the burdern of guilt.  Fluffy will display a conscience.

Our puppy Gus is not burdened by a guilty conscience.  He does not hang his head in shame.  He does not put his tail between his legs.

He has mastered a sincere attitude of pride in all he accomplishes.  He wags his tail.  He looks up and smiles, as if to say, “I am glad you noticed.”

/For example, today, my lovely wife, Miss Sugar, bought a new grill and a cover for the grill.  We grilled some steaks within an hour of bringing it home.  When it cooled, Sugar put on the grill cover.  I suppose she intended to protect the grill from the elements.

Gus discovered the tray that catches drippings of grease.  It was not an easy task.  He had to get under the cover, which was awkward, so he wisely decided to remove the cover altogether.

So when I said, like the owners of the cute remorseful dogs, whose videos I have viewed,  “Gus, what did you do??”  his response with body language said what, if it was in words, would be: “Yeah, ain’t it great?  I know what you were thinking.  You were thinking that next time you want to use the grill, you have to take that cover off before you can even use it.  So, I knew you would be happy to see that I removed it in anticipation of your needs.  And don’t think it was easy.  It had those Velcro straps.  I had to use my mouth to bite through that Teflon material.  It took a long time, but now it is mostly off.  I just need you to help me get the tattered remains off too.  It looks stupid to have the grill partially covered. You are welcome.”

I hope Sugar has learned a lesson in utilitarianism.  She often fails to express appreciation for what Gus does for us.  She is very forgiving, but what is there to forgive?

Gus wishes that she would come to recognize that he is, indeed, beyond reproach.

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Above My Station in Life

To those of you who know me only as Big Bronc, the successor King of the Wild Frontier, I hope it does not disappoint you to learn that I also make the world a better place in my role as The Lawman, Advocate for Western Justice.  I work at the World Headquarters for Western Justice, which is located right here in Northern Colorado.

My trophy wife, Miss Sugar, holds the position of Office Manager, awarded to her through a system of nepotism.  Consequently, she is present at The World Headquarters when Big City Lawyers from Denver are obliged to travel to Fort Collins to deal with me in my persona as Just a Country Lawyer.

Miss Sugar, still a handsome woman for her advanced age, was, back in the day, a finalist in the Miss Texas USA pageant, winning the swimsuit competition, leading to a professional modeling career and appearances on an obscure television series called Dallas.  Big deal.

Who says that I wasn’t a professional model too?  For your information, I’ve done a little modeling here and there.  Well, just there, in Omaha, Nebraska, when I appeared in a print ad for the grand opening of the teen department at Nebraska Clothing, which is now out of business, but I do not accept the blame.  You could kind of recognize the back of my head as I tried on a coat.  I was photographed while shopping with my mother.  We are both pretty sure it was me trying on the coat, which we did not purchase.  No wonder they went out of business.  Although we were offered a discount for the coat as compensation for my modeling, when Mom declined anyway, the guy who asked to take my picture compensated me in another manner, by giving me one of the prizes intended for the Grand Opening.  I was awarded a real cool flashlight.  Those of you familiar with legal definitions will recognize that being paid for the publication of my image makes me a professional model.  I have cut back on my modeling career since that particular gig, so I could focus on seventh grade and beyond.

I don’t talk about my modeling in front of Miss Sugar because I am fairly certain that she was never in The Omaha World Herald and I don’t want her to feel inferior.  We were in different niches of the market.  To be fair, I was not in the Dallas Morning News as she was, nor on the cover of any lingerie catalogs, nor did I model at Dallas Apparel Mart  BECAUSE  I was very picky about allowing my image to be “used” to sell products.  The only reason Miss Sugar had to do that stuff was because the Kim Dawson Agency arranged them.  I did not require an agent.  As I described, Nebraska Clothing approached me.

It is generally recommended that being “equally yoked” is a good idea.  As used in the Bible, that means being married to another believer, and we do indeed share our religious beliefs as Christians.  However, both being professional models and all, I liked to think we were equally yoked in that sense as well.

That is what I liked to think.  That is what I liked to think until one of those Big City Denver Lawyers came to my office to spend the day taking depositions for a case we were litigating.  Of course I introduced him to my lovely wife.  As he left at the end of the day, he unkindly volunteered, “Man, you sure married way above your station in life.”

He is absolutely correct.  I married above my station in life by every measure.  Lucky me!

The One That Got Away

Shootin' the Breeze

I walked into the party, like I was walking onto a yacht.

On that enchanted evening, I saw a stranger across the crowded room.

She no doubt noticed my confident swagger and could not keep her eyes off me.  I felt self-conscious as she undressed me in her mind.  I hoped it was not obvious to the other young men in the room.  It would hurt their feelings and cause jealousy.  It was not my fault.  I could not help it, a victim of my own attractiveness.

I was in college, a college man among college boys.  Some of those boys were bad boys.  They were wild and immature.  They had invited me to go with them across the river, crossing the state line for immoral purposes — to see Miss Nude Universe, who was appearing at some bar.  They wanted me to chaperone them, I suppose.  They probably recognized…

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