Shootin' the Breeze

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Archive for the tag “Indianapolis”

Name Game

My mother-in-law is a pretty nice lady, but today I am ashamed of her.  I am so ashamed that I hesitate to publish on the internet the gravity of her sin.  Grave sin!  (What other kind is there? Oh, venial and mortal.  Well, this is clearly not venial, so there you have it.)

Now that I have your attention, I will explain my shame and put to an end further speculation.  What is so unpardonable?  I will tell you and you will be equally repulsed if you are a true American.  If you are not a true American, you might not be repulsed.  Or, you might just be a girl.

My wife Sugar is just a girl, yet she handled her mother’s sinful remark (which I am about to get to) in a manner that validated my involvement with the National Football League.  At least some of my investment of time has rubbed off on Sugar.

Ginger, who claims to be Sugar’s mother, learned from Sugar the Facebook news that a cousin of Sugar had a baby and that these parents named the baby Peyton.  So far so good.  Then Ginger said what caused me to lose all respect for her.

Ginger said, “I have never heard of naming a little boy Peyton.”

Thankfully, Sugar informed her that Archie Manning and his wife named one of their sons Peyton.  You can look it up!  It is true!

I hasten to speculate that in Indianapolis, in every classroom of thirty kids, at least five of them are named Peyton.  In Colorado, every boy born in the past two years has been named Peyton, with very few exceptions.

I am thinking of changing my name to Peyton.  I am trying to convince my brother, Johnny Unitas, to change his name to Eli.

My Position at the N.F.L. Combine

The National Football League Scouting Combine is taking place in Indianapolis as I write this.  If you know me, you might expect me to be there.  I’m not.  I was not invited this year, which is their loss, i.e., the loss of all 32 NFL teams, at least for this week.  The draft is still to come.

It is their loss because they are missing out on a perfect physical specimen, namely, me.  I am not saying that out of pure arrogance.  I have researched it.  The average size of linebackers in the NFL is 6’2″, 247 lbs.  You can look it up on Google.

Sure, not all are that size.  Heights and weights vary among individual linebackers, but statistically, seeking perfection, wouldn’t you say the average is another way of describing perfection, for that position at least?

Who do you think fits that description?  That’s correct.  It is I.  No brag, just fact.

My physician suggested at my annual physical that I lose some weight.  Is he kidding?  Is he trying to sabotage my NFL career?  Is he doing it out of jealousy?  What does he think I am, a kicker?

After my careful research, it is obvious that my natural position is linebacker, so I am going to stick with God’s design for me.  Now all I have to do is await that call during the NFL draft.  The scouts probably did not want me to come to the combine because I am so special, so rarely perfect, that it would be a waste of everyone’s time for me to go through meaningless drills with the poor players who are less than perfect.

I see what is going on and I smile to myself.  When my wife foolishly cuts back on my portions, I have to remind her of the importance of keeping my weight up.

So far, so good.

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