Shootin' the Breeze

and random targets

Archive for the tag “Kim Kardashian”

Kim K Copies My Fashion

kim-kardashian-torn-jeans

Very recently, I saw a photo of Kim Kardashian wearing jeans with holes in the areas of her thighs and knees.  My first thought was that she must be bucking bales of hay because I have over the years had many pairs of jeans with that exact same look.  I suspect that Kim and other fashion leaders noticed me at the feed store or while I was doing chores.  I know I look good in jeans, but I always believed women were studying my Wrangler butt.  Apparently, they study my thighs as well.

Here is how to get holes in the thigh area of one’s jeans.  As you lift bales of hay, use your leg to help bring the bales to your middle area immediately prior to using your arms to lift the bales above your waist or even head, depending upon how high you are stacking the bales or throwing them onto the hay wagon as another person standing on the wagon aka hay rack (as in hay rack ride), to stack bales there.  I perfected the technique as a young teen trying to keep up with older fellas picking up hay bales from the field and then handling them again to stack the bales in the hay loft of the barn.  “More bales!” we would yell, implying that the other cowboys were not keeping up with our respective selves, the superior workers.

Kim did not explain the worn-out jeans that she was wearing so she might not want me to explain the process of achieving that look.  She does not seem the type to throw bales of hay, but now you know.  I see her in a whole different light.  What a hard-working cowgirl!  I had previously thought she shopped on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills or Hollywood or wherever it is.  I do suggest she get more sensible footware.  I wear cowboy boots.  They have heels, but not spindly ones such as Kim wears above.  I doubt she wore those shoes in the hay fields.

I hesitate to publish this because I fear that a bunch of California girls will be contacting me to ask about stacking hay bales.  I will have to reject their assistance.  After all, I am married to Miss Texas and she looks good in her jeans with or without holes in the thighs.  Kim could learn a lot from Miss Texas but I wonder if she is capable of grasping what Miss Texas knows.  Miss Texas is way out of Kim’s league.

Modeling

scamp bowing

Take a bow, Miss Texas!  (I doubt Kim can ride a trick horse).

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30,000 Selfies

As I was waiting in the Department of Motor Vehicles with ticket number 234, which meant I was there for awhile, I sat across from a family consisting of what appeared to be a father, mother, and their daughter, Kim Kardashian.  I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that Kim K’s father is deceased.  You might also be wondering why she would register her vehicles in Colorado.  So allow me to clarify that this young woman was not actually Kim K of reality TV fame, rather, she was a Kim K wannabe.  

As the purported father read a book, the mother was talking to her daughter about, well, about the daughter.  The daughter was in her late teens or early twenties.   She was not so independent as to go all by herself to the DMV.  However, she was willing to accompany her parents and to bless those of us in the general public with her presence.

As she talked to her mother, she did not look at her mother.  Instead, she arranged her head in various cute poses and tried varying facial expressions as she took pictures of herself with her cell phone.  Suddenly elated, she informed her mother (and the rest of us in the large waiting room) that she was five pictures short of 30,000.  That inspired her to quickly take five more pictures of herself so as to reach that noteworthy goal.

I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.  I inquired with true interest, “How long have you had your cell phone?”

Unabashed, she happily answered, “I got this about eight months ago.”  She said it like she had accomplished something admirable, like climbing Mt. Everest.  She also volunteered to me that she and her friends seldom text because a person’s facial expression says so much that they simply send selfies to each other.  She was pleased to have the opportunity to clue me in on what the cool kids do.  

I quickly did some math in my head.  I commented, “If you had your phone for ten months, that would be about 100 selfies a day, for 3,000 per month, but you did that in only eight months.  Wow!”

The selfie-taker proudly exclaimed, “I know!”

Her father jumped in, “That sounds about right.”  I suppose he was agreeing with my estimate of relentlessly taking selfies at a rate in excess of 100 per day.

I am writing this as sort of a public service announcement.  I want you, Dear Readers, to grasp the pace which must be kept in order to properly stay up with the champion narcissists.  Not just everybody can take 100 plus selfies a day.  It takes dedication.  It takes someone who enjoys looking at herself or himself.  It is a difficult task indeed.  If one misses a day, one would need to take 200 pics the next day just to keep up.  

I am fixin’ to take my first selfie. This illustrates my latest grooming project — a hybrid tribute to Wyatt Earp and Hulk Hogan with a dash of Wild Bill. Soon, all the cool dudes will copy it.
 Mustache
Only 29,999 to go. As a competitive person, I am thinking that if I cut back on my law practice, I could maybe break that little gal’s record. I think I could do it in seven months. Try to top that!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Sugar and I went to the gym again today.  As I waited for a turn at the pull-up station, a respectful distance away, the guy who just finished doing pull-ups loitered there in front of the mirror on the wall by that equipment.  I wondered why he did not just leave to go to his next workout station.

What to my wondering eyes did appear, but a cell phone with a camera.  The fellow pointed his camera-phone at the mirror, where his posed image looked back at himself.  He took a picture of himself at one angle, then turned so he could get a good shot of his other side.  Such photos are known as selfies, I have been told.  Kim Kardashian is another narcissist who likes to share photos of herself, taken by herself, in her closet, wearing underwear.  So far, I have refrained from emulating her. 

Now this guy at the gym might not be merely vain.  He might have a scientific purpose.  He might be taking separate photos of each tatooed arm in order to monitor his personal muscular growth to ensure symmetry as an aesthetic endeavor for the good of mankind. 

“Hey, Sugar.  Let me borrow your cell phone.”

When I told her why I needed it, she cracked up, but did not share it with me.  It won’t be my fault if one of my arms gets disproportiately bigger than the other.  Blame it on Sugar.

Oh, from my observations of the younger gym patrons, I am feeling the peer pressure of needing some tattoos.  They will make my future selfies more aesthetically pleasing.  Of course, in order for the tattoo artist to get to my skin, I will have to remove all my body hair like the cool guys do.  Sugar said she could use it to weave three or four Indian blankets.  Then we could sell the blankets to pay our membership fees at the club.  She is always thinkin’.    

 

Keeping Up With You Know Who

It must be difficult to come up with ideas for a candid reality show.  Do you have any suspicions about just how candid are the scenes?  Do you think that the Kardashians, for example, forget the cameras are rolling? 

Presently, Kris Humphries, the alleged spouse of Kim K, is daring to challenge whether there was a marriage at all, contending that he was just a dupe for a TV wedding that was not real reality.  Are you still with me?

Mr. Humphries and Ms. Kardashian broke up merely 72 days after their much publicized  wedding. 

Usually a wedding kicks off a marriage; however, this groom is claiming that this is not a divorce case to end a marriage, but rather a case about whether there was ever a marriage.  He wants an annulment, which means a determination that there was not a valid marriage.

If there was not a valid marriage, then there is no need for a divorce.  If this is not a divorce case, then the ironclad prenuptial agreement would not apply, his lawyers cleverly argue, because there was no nuptial at all. 

While I am rooting for Kris and not Kim, as a lawyer my own self, I am skeptical about Kris’ legal position.  I would not be surprised if the court finds the marriage was phony, but I would be surprised if it finds that Kris was tricked.  He does not strike me as naive.  I bet he knew the cameras were there.  I bet he knew he was being paid to appear on the Kardashian show.  I bet he knew that Kim has “been around” and I doubt one of the grounds for annulment exists, i.e., that the marriage was not consummated. 

So, Kris, I wish you wish you well, but I’m not betting on your success in this case.  Next time, pick a bride who is really real.  Maybe someone you can spend time with off camera.

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