Shootin' the Breeze

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Archive for the tag “National Football League”

Quarterback Material

Dear Readers,

In a number of other posts, I have humbly mentioned my status in the N.F.L. as a temporarily unsigned free agent.  I have, among other things, noted the scientific truth that I was formerly the ideal height (6’2″)and weight (247 lbs.)for an N.F.L. linebacker.  Then I updated you all with the recent confession that I have slipped down to a lithe 222 lbs. Now I have to make up with quickness and strength what I have lost in bulk.

But wait!  There is another option.  That option is to change positions.  It has been called to my attention that at the N.F.L. Scouting Combine being held in Indianapolis as I write these words,  one of the many tests and measurements is the size of a prospect’s hands.  Although not all quarterbacks have the same size hands, the evaluators have determined that there is a certain size hand that is advantageous for an N.F.L. quarterback.  There was even an article about how they measure hands at the combine.  It gave the sizes of hands of various great quarterbacks.

You guessed it — my hands are the perfect size for an N.F.L. quarterback.  Surprise, surprise.  Problem solved!

Yours truly,




Pictured above on the right:  the PERFECT SIZE hand for an NFL QUARTERBACK (by contrast, Miss Sugar’s hands, while suitable for her feminine activities, lack the size for her to realistically compete in the N.F.L.)  This is a scientific fact.  No brag, just fact.

Moving On

Sugar took my Bronco jersey and threw it in the wash.  Football season is over — until April O.T.A.s, i.e., “official team activities.”

Now baseball is appealing, especially since Arizona is warmer than Colorado and many Major League teams go there for spring training, playing in the Cactus League.  I told Sugar that I might mosey down there and play a little ball.

You are probably wondering how an N.F.L. free agent such as myself can find time to play baseball too.  Isn’t there something in my contract that prohibits it?  Well, remember, I am an unsigned free agent, so there is no restrictive contract provision.  How clever of me!

Also, I remind you that Bo Jackson played in both the N.F.L. and the Major League Baseball.  A lot of us extraordinary athletes have transferable skills.

I tried to explain that to Sugar.  She is too conservative about my ambitions as a professional athlete.  Get a load of this — she actually told me to stick with swimming in the Senior Olympics.  Been there.  Done that.  There is no money in it, whereas the league minimum for a regular season in the N.F.L. or M.L.B. is more than some people in the general public earn in a whole year.  Sugar needs to be more practical.  She needs to see the earning potential.  She thinks I play these games for the fun of it, even the glory of it, when actually, I am doing it for her.  I am thinking of her financial security. 

She doesn’t listen to me.  I suppose I should have Bo Jackson’s wife give Sugar a call and clue her in about the advantages of being married to a two-sport professional athlete. 

I was not exactly drafted by any of the Major League Baseball teams yet, so I am basically an unsigned free agent.  Again.  Keep your fingers crossed.  When I bring home that M.L.B. contract, Sugar will be glad I had the foresight and fortitude to provide for her in this manner.  She can thank me now or thank me later.     

Broncos Update

You have to read between the lines to catch the subtle hints that the Broncos are positioning to sign me to a handsome contract.  Let me point out what is obvious to me if not to you readers and football fans.

Von Miller has predicted a Superbowl victory.  Could that be based on improving the roster with, well, me?

The team is trying to get Elvis Dumervil to renegotiate his contract to make more room under the salary cap.  Why?  Duh!  To pay me, obviously!

D.J. Williams might be released, which would free up $6 million for the salary cap, which could be applied toward my contract.  Ah, hah!

As I observe this maneuvering, I grow more and more confident.  As I await that call from John Elway or Pat Bowlen, I am getting more and more excited.

It feels good to be wanted.

When one is delusional, life can be fun.  Even if you are not actually on the beach, you can still enjoy it if you think you are.

I better go work out.  I need to keep my weight up if I am going to be playing with the big boys.

Plan B: Free Agency

In a previous post about the NFL Combine, I expressed my amazement about not being invited to the National Football League Scouting Combine.  I also offered a possible explanation, which is that the scouts might have seen no need to know more about me than my dimensions since I am the perfect height and weight for an NFL linebacker.  If that important information satisfies them, I need not worry about whether I will be drafted in the NFL draft in April.

Silly as it seems for someone who is the perfect physical specimen to worry, in the event that I am not actually drafted due to some oversight by the 32 teams, it won’t hurt to have an alternative plan.

Plan B is that I can be available as a free agent and signed after the draft.  There is no shame in going that route. In fact, I have been an unsigned free agent for many years. This might be my lucky year when the Broncos in particular come to their senses.

Peyton Manning was picked first in the first round after college.  After being released by the Colts many years later, he was a free agent.  As a free agent, he was invited to work out at the facilities of various interested teams.  He also met with some team representatives who came to see him where he was working out.  The teams wanted to check out his physical skills after having had neck surgery.  He showed them that he could still throw the ball.

When I was in college, before there was a combine, I had the experience of having scouts come to our campus to evaluate … someone who was not me, but who went on to be a Super Bowl quarterback (and retired awhile back).  The scouts timed his release.  They had him throw from a kneeling position to see how much was pure arm strength, I suppose.  They timed him in the 40.  He did okay.  It was interesting to watch.  Of course, as I stood there, the scouts missed out on the chance to put me through my paces.  I have been waiting ever since, but this might be the year.  Back then, I was not the perfect weight for an NFL linebacker, a goal that I achieved later.

So now that I have the size they are looking for, I don’t mind letting them time me in the 40 or test my vertical leap, strength and quickness.  My bum knee slows me down a little, but with the professional trainers and team physicians and strength coaches each NFL team offers, they could fix me up.

So, I am taking this opportunity to announce my availability as a free agent.  Team owners, scouts and coaches may reach me through posting a comment on this blog and I will then provide my secret contact information, which will allow us to select a meeting place.  I look forward to hearing from you NFL folks when you get back from the combine.

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