Quarterback Material

Dear Readers,

In a number of other posts, I have humbly mentioned my status in the N.F.L. as a temporarily unsigned free agent.  I have, among other things, noted the scientific truth that I was formerly the ideal height (6’2″)and weight (247 lbs.)for an N.F.L. linebacker.  Then I updated you all with the recent confession that I have slipped down to a lithe 222 lbs. Now I have to make up with quickness and strength what I have lost in bulk.

But wait!  There is another option.  That option is to change positions.  It has been called to my attention that at the N.F.L. Scouting Combine being held in Indianapolis as I write these words,  one of the many tests and measurements is the size of a prospect’s hands.  Although not all quarterbacks have the same size hands, the evaluators have determined that there is a certain size hand that is advantageous for an N.F.L. quarterback.  There was even an article about how they measure hands at the combine.  It gave the sizes of hands of various great quarterbacks.

You guessed it — my hands are the perfect size for an N.F.L. quarterback.  Surprise, surprise.  Problem solved!

Yours truly,

Cowboylawyerquarterback

 

Pictured above on the right:  the PERFECT SIZE hand for an NFL QUARTERBACK (by contrast, Miss Sugar’s hands, while suitable for her feminine activities, lack the size for her to realistically compete in the N.F.L.)  This is a scientific fact.  No brag, just fact.

NFL Draft and My Political Campaign

I’ve had to suspend my pre-campaign for the Senate while I await that special call from the Broncos.  Readers of previous blogs back during the NFL Combine will recall that I am the perfect size for an NFL linebacker and that I have hinted very strongly that I am only interested in signing with the Broncos as the only team within commuting distance.

I started waiting on Friday.  Someone told me that the NFL draft is over.  That is obviously incorrect because I have not yet been notified that I was drafted.  I am still waiting.

There must be some terrible mix-up.  I assume they misplaced my contact information and are really embarrassed, so I have been somewhat pro-active.  I left a few messages for John Elway, John Fox, and Pat Bowlen, the owner.  That way they have my cell phone, office phone and email.

There is a risk that I will damage my negotiating position if I appear too eager, yet I want to get the ball rolling regarding my contract.

I know what is going on.  They are probably calling my agent.  He knows how to get a hold of me.  Maybe.  At least he has my number.  I wonder why he has not returned my last fifty calls.

(I Will Deny the Tweets That) I Won’t Sign With The Jets

Those of you who are professional football fans are already aware that the New York Jets are looking to trade Tim Tebow.  I hear there are conversations among some of the teams while owners and general managers are hanging out at the National Football League Scouting Combine.  As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I was not invited to attend the combine as a potential player.  Well, I am not a team owner, scout, coach, general manager, or V.P. for Personnel either, so I stayed home.

Now I am concerned that they are talking behind my back.  No one has tweeted me about it, yet I have a funny feeling that I just might be the subject of some wheeling and dealing.  As I wrote a couple days ago, I have been blessed with the perfect dimensions for an NFL linebacker — 6’2″, 247 lbs.  What a specimen of manhood!

Now Tim Tebow ain’t too bad himself.  He has great athletic ability.  He won a  Heisman and two national championships in college.  Nevertheless,  he has had some trouble finding a spot as a quarterback.  He tries really hard.  Still, the NFL is a tough place to get a job.  Some of us have it, some of us don’t.  (That is merely a figure of speech, of course.  I am not actually including myself in the part about “some of us don’t.”  I just like to sound modest.)

I hope some team is not planning to draft me as a linebacker just to position themselves to trade me to the Jets for Tebow.  Therefore, in fairness to all, I am taking this opportunity to declare one of the terms of my future contract.  That is, I have geographical demands.  Feel free to tell the world via your Twitter accounts.  You may have the sports news scoop of the day.  The following inside information is hereby being leaked to the sports media, then I will deny it.

I might be limiting my draft value by saying this, but I will refuse to sign with the Jets.  I don’t want to be coached by Rex Ryan, for one thing, but the real reason is that I have livestock to care for here in Colorado.  I am willing to commute to Bronco headquarters at Dove Valley during the season.  I understand that there will be occasional overnights for away games.  I can make arrangements for those times.  But I can’t go back and forth to New York every day.  Realistically, the Denver Broncos are the only team I want to play for.

Sure, there are teams located in many nice cities.  I don’t want to offend anyone.  I just am trying to be practical and realistic.  I trust that this announcement will be appreciated as it is intended to save the other 31 teams from futile attempts to draft me or trade for me or sign me as a free agent.  Then again, if they offer me a real good deal….

It might hurt me to have slightly tipped my hand.  I want to be honest with the other owners.  I will simply await getting that call from Mr. Bowlen, the owner of the Broncos.  Don’t tell him I said so, but I would probably sign for the league minimum if he throws in a Ford F250 King Ranch diesel pickup.  (I got that idea from Walt Garrison, who negotiated a horse trailer as part of his signing bonus.)  See link below.

https://cowboylawyer.wordpress.com/2012/09/05/people-are-funny-critters/

Plan B: Free Agency

In a previous post about the NFL Combine, I expressed my amazement about not being invited to the National Football League Scouting Combine.  I also offered a possible explanation, which is that the scouts might have seen no need to know more about me than my dimensions since I am the perfect height and weight for an NFL linebacker.  If that important information satisfies them, I need not worry about whether I will be drafted in the NFL draft in April.

Silly as it seems for someone who is the perfect physical specimen to worry, in the event that I am not actually drafted due to some oversight by the 32 teams, it won’t hurt to have an alternative plan.

Plan B is that I can be available as a free agent and signed after the draft.  There is no shame in going that route. In fact, I have been an unsigned free agent for many years. This might be my lucky year when the Broncos in particular come to their senses.

Peyton Manning was picked first in the first round after college.  After being released by the Colts many years later, he was a free agent.  As a free agent, he was invited to work out at the facilities of various interested teams.  He also met with some team representatives who came to see him where he was working out.  The teams wanted to check out his physical skills after having had neck surgery.  He showed them that he could still throw the ball.

When I was in college, before there was a combine, I had the experience of having scouts come to our campus to evaluate … someone who was not me, but who went on to be a Super Bowl quarterback (and retired awhile back).  The scouts timed his release.  They had him throw from a kneeling position to see how much was pure arm strength, I suppose.  They timed him in the 40.  He did okay.  It was interesting to watch.  Of course, as I stood there, the scouts missed out on the chance to put me through my paces.  I have been waiting ever since, but this might be the year.  Back then, I was not the perfect weight for an NFL linebacker, a goal that I achieved later.

So now that I have the size they are looking for, I don’t mind letting them time me in the 40 or test my vertical leap, strength and quickness.  My bum knee slows me down a little, but with the professional trainers and team physicians and strength coaches each NFL team offers, they could fix me up.

So, I am taking this opportunity to announce my availability as a free agent.  Team owners, scouts and coaches may reach me through posting a comment on this blog and I will then provide my secret contact information, which will allow us to select a meeting place.  I look forward to hearing from you NFL folks when you get back from the combine.

My Position at the N.F.L. Combine

The National Football League Scouting Combine is taking place in Indianapolis as I write this.  If you know me, you might expect me to be there.  I’m not.  I was not invited this year, which is their loss, i.e., the loss of all 32 NFL teams, at least for this week.  The draft is still to come.

It is their loss because they are missing out on a perfect physical specimen, namely, me.  I am not saying that out of pure arrogance.  I have researched it.  The average size of linebackers in the NFL is 6’2″, 247 lbs.  You can look it up on Google.

Sure, not all are that size.  Heights and weights vary among individual linebackers, but statistically, seeking perfection, wouldn’t you say the average is another way of describing perfection, for that position at least?

Who do you think fits that description?  That’s correct.  It is I.  No brag, just fact.

My physician suggested at my annual physical that I lose some weight.  Is he kidding?  Is he trying to sabotage my NFL career?  Is he doing it out of jealousy?  What does he think I am, a kicker?

After my careful research, it is obvious that my natural position is linebacker, so I am going to stick with God’s design for me.  Now all I have to do is await that call during the NFL draft.  The scouts probably did not want me to come to the combine because I am so special, so rarely perfect, that it would be a waste of everyone’s time for me to go through meaningless drills with the poor players who are less than perfect.

I see what is going on and I smile to myself.  When my wife foolishly cuts back on my portions, I have to remind her of the importance of keeping my weight up.

So far, so good.