Yesterday I pre-announced my pre-candidacy for the U.S. Senate, launching my pre-campaign. Today I will start taking applications for pre-campaign volunteers. For those interested, I am pleased to assure you that you are pre-approved.
Although I am (almost) running for a Senate seat in Colorado, I invite Americans from across the continent to hop on my bandwagon. (Texas is “a whole other country.” Nevertheless, even Texans are welcome to pre-campaign for me. My wife is a former Texan so I’m pretty tolerant. She is not, however, affiliated with Oklahoma, so that is where I draw the line.)
So, unless you are from Oklahoma, please keep reading about my exciting pre-campaign ideas.
Here in Colorado, we recently legalized marijuana despite it being illegal under federal law. Apparently Colorado and Washington are so special that they can ignore federal law, which is, after all, intended merely for the general public, not everyone nor every state. Maybe it is Colorado that is a whole other country. Washington too.
During the campaign to amend Colorado’s state constitution to allow marijuana, an argument was frequently made that if stores can sell marijuana, the sales can be taxed, bringing increased revenue to the state, not to mention tourism dollars from drug-motivated tourists.
That got me to thinking about other taxes that Coloradans are presently missing out on. Sure, we tax cigarettes and alcohol already. We also sell lottery tickets. We have gambling districts in Central City and Blackhawk, where casinos are allowed. Why stop there?
Colorado is not as progressive as Nevada when it comes to prostitution. Isn’t that something we could tax? Wouldn’t that bring in more tourists, that niche interested in sex outside of marriage?
Are you paying attention, Oklahoma? The Bible Belt is missing out. Sin is a big moneymaker!
As a lawmaker in the U.S. Senate, I could show the way to the backward states and sponsor federal legislation to legalize drugs and prostitution, as well as gambling, on a national basis. Also, I know how to overcome the objections of goody two-shoes types who want to impose their morals on folks unshackled by such things.
Back where I come from, Colorado, we have figgered that out. My unoriginal idea for selling this legislation is to make it a win/win situation. Since everyone should care about our children, the future of America, I say we use the new tax on prostitution to fund education. The fine religious people who might not approve of prostitution will see the light when they realize that promoting prostitution helps our schools.
We have a diversity of values in America, but can’t we come together and agree on the importance of education? Do it for the children!
Why stop at marijuana? There is a lot of money in cocaine, heroin and meth. I would tie taxes on each to popular causes. I realize that all this will be debated on the floor of the Senate. I would just be one voice among 100 Senators. However, wait until my future colleagues get a load of this: I suggest cocaine revenue goes to cancer research, maybe heroin taxes should be used to fund National Parks, and meth taxes could go to something like paying for the military. Do you have a problem with healthcare, national parks or the military? If so, I question your patriotism. As a Senator, I will tell the F.B.I. to look into such citizens. Maybe make ’em register as non-compliant. Certainly, take their guns.
My pre-campaign values diversity. I’m okay. You’re okay. And, let’s be open-minded and say that drug dealers and prostitutes are okay too. Well, they are okay as long as they pay taxes.
Please support my pre-campaign by liking me on facebook. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Cowboylawyer/383464201742506.
Everyone is welcome! Well, almost everyone. I am fixin’ to open it up to Oklahomans in the near future. For now, hold your horses, Okies.