Shootin' the Breeze

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Archive for the tag “weight gain”

Thirty Pounds of Puppy

Gus at 15 weeks

At 15 weeks of age, last week Gus  went to his primary care physician for his veterinary care, which included shots and a checkup.  The checkup involved weighing him on a scale.   The scale read 30 pounds.

That weight for a Labrador Retriever of that age is not unusual.  Some are smaller, some are bigger.  What was remarkable to me is the rate of growth.  Three weeks ago, when Gus had a vet appointment for his 12 week checkup, he weighed less than twenty pounds.

Now for me to gain ten pounds in three weeks is easy.  But for a puppy to increase his body weight by half again what he weighed would be like me gaining 100 pounds in three weeks.

With the holidays here, I will give it a try.

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244 Pound Weight Gain!

My Uncle Don was an All American college football player.  He was a talented pass catcher.  He was fast.  His nickname was Flash.  He also played college basketball and ran track.  He is in the Nebraska Sports Hall of Fame as well as other halls of fame. 

In addition to his athletic abilities, Uncle Don possessed a great sense of humor.  He later became a coach and, after that, a college dean of students.  He was often in demand as an after-dinner speaker.  My father took me to some games when Uncle Don was coaching and another time to a banquet so I could hear his funny speech. 

After Don’s playing and coaching days were over, the formerly slender speedster gained some weight.  He probably went from 180 lbs. playing weight to over 250 lbs.  Whenever he was teased about that, such as by former teammates who might say, “Don, it looks like you have gained some weight,” Don would quickly reply as if he missed the point and did not take offense, by saying, “Yeah, I only weighed six pounds when I was born.” 

I have stolen that line and invite you to use it too if the situation calls for it. 

The Biggest Gainer

The Biggest Loser TV show is inspiring.  The contestants work very hard to lose weight while millions watch their efforts.

I am kinda shy.  Despite my recent blogs about the importance of being the size of an NFL linebacker and my ability to make a big splash in swimming pools, I will confess that I have been trying to lose weight in the privacy of my off-camera life.  Miss Sugar, my personal chef, has implemented a plan involving portion control.  I have been swimming regularly.  We bought a fancy new digital scale that measures weight in tenths of pounds.

Yesterday I gained five pounds.  I don’t know if that is even medically possible.  I might have a unique talent.  I might have defied the laws of physics and sports medicine.

Literature about weight loss says that one should only expect to lose one or two pounds a week.  Even the programs advertised on TV seldom claim that purchasers will lose more than ten pounds in a month, twenty at the most in one month.

If it takes a month to lose ten pounds, then shouldn’t gaining be as slow?  What about Ying Yang?  Shouldn’t there be a balance in life?

How did I accomplish my rapid gain?  I dunno.  I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast, some chicken and noodles at an Asian restaurant for lunch, and shrimp and rice for dinner.  Very healthy!

On the other hand, I did not swim yesterday.  After lunch I had a frozen yogurt sundae at TCBY and helped Miss Sugar finish her waffle cone of frozen non-fat yogurt.  After dinner, I treated myself to a Hersey bar and a Rice Krispie treat.

As a consequence, I weighed, as I said already, FIVE POUNDS more today than I did on the same fancy scale the day before.  At that rate, I will gain 150 pounds in one month, except February, during which I would only gain 140 pounds.

When they start a show for The Biggest Gainer, I’m your guy!

Resolutionary Ideas for the New Year

Today is the day that many folks around the world pause to reflect on the past and set goals for the future, known as New Year’s Resolutions.  I am here to help.

My help will be valuable for the self-esteem of the multitudes of people who comprise The General Public.  My mission is to set you who are in The General Public free from the guilt that comes with broken resolutions by helping you compose a list of resolutions that you are unlikely to break.

You are unlikely to break resolutions to do things that you want to do anyway; or, to refrain from doing things that you do not want to do anyway.  This is a very successful method of self-help.  It is a form of psychological judo.  Judo, as I understand it, involves the principle of directing force rather than resisting force.  The force about which this advice is directed is called Human Nature.

Those of you familiar with Human Nature have likely observed, for example, that it is a popular resolution to lose weight and to vow to go regularly to the gym in order to accomplish that goal.  You have observed crowded gyms in January that thin out by February.  (Of course you have observed this phenomenon only if you are one of the February attendees, so you might only have learned of this by anecdotal history told to you by others.)

1.  DO NOT PAY AT THE PUMP.  The silly, lazy people who purchase fuel by inserting a credit card into the device at the pump suffer from two disadvantages.  They miss out on the exercise of walking to the cashier, who is in a building containing a convenience store, and they miss out on the opportunity to buy a treat at the same time as they pay for the fuel.  Personally, the closest fuel pumps to my home lack modernistic pay-at-the-pump technology.  Not only that, but this convenience store is perhaps the only one in America that has a flight of stairs from the pumps to the cashier.  Here is the drill:  park by the pump; climb the stairs (even if you are a candidate for a double knee replacement) or, if you are chair-bound, wheel up the ramp on the other side of the building;  pre-pay the cashier (which is dangerous as the pumps do not automatically shut off so you pump an incorrect amount at your peril and would have to come back to pay the extra) or, for security reasons, leave your card with the cashier and walk back down the stairs to your vehicle; dispense fuel into your vehicle; climb up the stairs for the second time to sign the slip at which time the customer deserves a treat and if the customer is me, selects a cup of hot chocolate with a few drops of coffee as well as, say, a Snickers bar; and negotiates down the stairs balancing the cup and carrying the candy bar with no free hand to grab the railing, thus calling upon balancing skills while returning to the vehicle.  Exercise and a treat!  Brilliant!  You are welcome!

2. AVOID THE GYM.  Especially after purchasing gas where I do, there is no need to pay to go to a gym in order to get on a machine like the Stairmaster.  Even if you purchase fuel where stairs are lacking, there are other reasons to avoid the gym anyway.  As mentioned above, gyms are crowded in January, I have heard, so you risk exposure to sweaty individuals who might be carrying a contagious disease.  That is a reason in the category of self-protection, but I offer a more altruistic reason, which is that your absence make the gym less crowded for others.  Doesn’t that make you feel better about yourself?

3.  THROW AWAY THE SCALE.  It is a well known scientific fact that it is easier to gain weight than to lose it.  I know a man, who appears in my mirror, who can watch his food intake for a week, exercise diligently, and lose maybe two pounds, then have one hearty meal and gain five pounds.  That is discouraging.  That is depressing.  That lowers his self-esteem.  It is another scientific fact that, on a day to day basis, weight gain is almost imperceptible to the naked eye.  Therefore, in order to avoid depression and lowered self-esteem, throw away the scale and just look in the mirror.  You will hardly notice any weight gain unless you look at old photos of yourself or until a pesky physician tries to get you on the scale for your physical exam.  As the imperceptible daily changes become perceptible after a year without a scale, you can have a resolution for 2018 to throw away all mirrors in your home.

If you are keeping up with my irrefutable logic, you will soon enjoy the fruits of success, including positive self-esteem.  While others bemoan with shame their broken resolutions, you will smugly smile, secure in your superiority to The General Public for having harnessed Human Nature.

Have a Happy New Year!

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