Woe Unto Ye Abusers
The knock on the door was a surprise. We have a gate by the road and a long lane to the house. I looked out and saw a young woman with a child on her hip. I thought maybe she ran out of gas. Her vehicle was parked outside the closed gate so she had to have climbed through the rail fence.
My wife, Sugar, came to the door. She recognized the visitor and greeted the little girl by name. Then I knew who was on our front porch. I remembered when the baby was born two years ago. She had grown.
“Can we talk? Something has happened.”
What happened is that her husband is in jail. It was a story of abuse. Now she is going through a divorce. She needs help. Sugar helped.
It reminded me of a paralegal who worked for me for several years. Her husband had been in prison for 16 years. She waited for him to get out. She was happy when he did. Her loyalty was not rewarded. He beat her. One night blood was coming out of her ear. This time she finally went to call the police, but her husband grabbed the phone and told the 911 operator that his wife had stabbed him and to please hurry. She had not stabbed him, but after reporting that he was in such peril (from a 5’2″ woman), he stabbed his own arm as she watched. When the police came, they arrested her, even after asking about her bloody ear, because she lied to cover for him by saying she fell off her bike. I represented her on the charges for assault with a deadly weapon.
I told the District Attorney what really happened, but my client did not want to testify against her no-good husband. Still, she was afraid of him. There was a restraining order to supposedly keep him away from the home. (You know, so she would not harm him again.) I urged her to go to the women’s shelter.
The very next day after we had gone to court, I drove past her home, which was on a busy street, as I was on an errand. I noticed that her car was parked in front of the house and she was in it and her husband was sitting in the front seat. I circled around the block. I stopped by the parked car. I got out of my truck. I went to the passenger door and confronted her 6’4″ ex-con husband.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. I reminded him of the restraining order.
The wife jumped out of the car, as if to restrain me. It was backwards. She was protecting him from me. She explained that they had just gone out for breakfast. I was now the enemy for interfering with a lovely morning date (the day after helping her in court).
Not long after, maybe a week, I got a call from her. “He tried to kill me,” she reported. She had to hide under the neighbor’s deck. The police took him away. Even then, she felt guilty that he would likely go back to prison. It is a parole violation, as well as a new crime, to try to kill one’s wife. She told me that he looked frightened laying on the ground with his arms cuffed behind his back. Poor guy! (I had difficulty empathizing).
I hope the young woman with the two year old daughter does not get back together with her abusive husband. I hope she takes advantage of the community resources to which Sugar directed her.
And I hope her husband takes advantage of the hospitality of the detention center for a long time. Back where I come from, boys are taught from an early age that it is wrong to hit girls. Some guys learn that the hard way.
Shootin' the Breeze 
It makes you want to tear out your hair! I ask myself time and again how many women have to die before they twig onto it that if he hits you once he’ll hit you again.
My sister put up with her husband for six years, through many beatings. Finally when he was choking her until she passed out. She did finally decide that he was going to kill her one day and she did leave.
Many of us know women like your sister and my paralegal. It is frustrating and sad.
The problem is, the husband eventually brainwashes the wife into believing that she can’t do any better than him and doesn’t deserve any better.
You got it. He told her no one else would want her. Low self esteem.
yeah, in my circumstance I was told, “You can’t make it without me!” Oh puleese…. hello, here I am 20+ years later quite well, thank you. Okay, I’ll stop commenting about my drama. 🙂
You are the kind of person who can with the authority of experience tell women like the ones I described why leaving is a healthy choice.
GP Cox: Exactly! And in that instance a woman has to muster up any shred of self confidence she might have left and give herself a good talking to!
For some reason, many women feel that they can somehow change these guys, and it never works. Never. If I had a daughter, and I don’t, but if I did have one I would advise her to walk away from any relationship with any man who is abusive. And walk away quickly and never look back.
I have three married daughters. Your advice is correct. I don’t expect that I will have to use that advice, but if I did, I would indeed say to walk away and move on — right after the abusive husband’s funeral.
Yes, and if I recall correctly you are a member in good standing of that single-action gun club. Always good to be prepared.
I did walk away from an abusive relationship… tough decision and a lot of tough years, but I have never regretted leaving that man. Another angle is that a woman needs to leave if for no other reason than to show a daughter that abuse is not acceptable and to show a son that is not how a husband should treat a wife! Take a stand and stop the circle of abuse! Yes, I hope this young woman can be strong for herself and her child.
I am sorry you had that experience. Your ultimate decision was correct for all the reasons you give.
I have seen it too. Battered woman complex, tragic. So very sad.